There is quite often discussion in the asexual community about whether asexuals consider themselves - or should be considered by others - to be queer or part of the GLBT (etc) community. I know there are many asexual people who do identify as queer - some because they are homo- or bi-romantic or prefer their own gender aesthetically, and some because they feel that anything other than straight and sexual could be considered queer. And I know that there are GLBT groups in some countries - and especially in US universities - which have expanded to include A, amongst other things. Many asexuals consider that appropriate because they feel an affinity with gay people - because they too struggled with their identity growing up and have faced prejudice or disbelief from people around them when coming out as asexual.

I think that how you identify on the sexual/romantic spectrum is a very personal thing and everyone has the right to identify the way they want to and ally themselves with whatever groups they feel a connection with. So, I'm only talking about myself here and my personal feelings on the subject.

I don't consider myself queer. I just don't feel that word fits me at all. I don't really think of myself as straight, either... in general, I think of myself as "none of the above". I'm not a sexual or romantic person and so it seems kind of meaningless to label myself with any term that's usually applied to identify which gender you're sexually or romantically attracted to. In the days when I attempted to date, I only dated men, and the occasional crushes I still have are always on men, so I tend to assume that if I was sexual I would be more or less straight, although it seems a fairly pointless thing to speculate on. These days, I can imagine having an affectionate, companionable relationship with either a man or a woman, but I don't feel I want to describe myself as bi, because bi would seem to go before "sexual" or "romantic" and any relationship I had would really just be a close friendship... and anyone of any gender or orientation can have close friendships with any gender, so I don't think I need a particular term to describe that.

I am 100% a champion of gay rights - what gender of consenting adult someone is sleeping with simply doesn't come into how I judge a person and it seriously bothers me when others judge on that basis. However, I don't feel any closer to the gay community than to the straight community. If I see a division, it's between sexual and asexual, rather than between straight and everything else. I don't feel that a highly sexual gay person would have anything more in common with me than a highly sexual straight person.

I realise that what's around you when you're growing up probably has something to do with it. If you have gay friends when you're young and identify with their struggles, or if you go to a university where there's a GLBT group that also includes asexuals, then it's probably more likely you'll feel a part of that community. It wasn't like that for me. For one thing, I didn't struggle with my sexuality when I was in high school, because I didn't really feel different from my peers. I grew up in a small town in the north of Scotland. At that time and in that place, it wasn't particularly normal to date a lot or to have sex when you were still in high school. Only a few of my friends had boyfriends or girlfriends or talked about their sexual experiences. Most of my friends talked about their crushes and giggled over boys, but saw sex and relationships as something that would happen a bit later. Now I realise that other people were probably thinking about sex a whole lot more than I was (and probably experimenting with it more than I realised), but at the time I felt quite normal. I didn't date or have sex but neither did a lot of other people. I assumed that, like most of my friends, I would get into relationships and sex later - it was only in adult life I came to understand that I was different in my feelings about sex and romance.

As for GLBT groups... well, such things just didn't exist! I never even met anyone who openly identified as gay or bisexual until I was an adult. Of course, I'm sure some of my classmates and friends were gay, but it just wasn't talked about and I don't remember it being something I gave much thought to. I don't recall being aware of prejudice, really; I imagine that there was just a general attitude that there might be gay people in the big cities, but not in our little town! So I didn't grow up with gay friends or gay rights groups, at least that I was aware of.

All of which means that I just don't feel any connection with the word "queer", or any particular connection with the gay community (although I will always speak up for gay rights when the issue arises). I'm content with the labels "asexual" and "aromantic" and I don't need anything more. When it comes to being straight, gay or queer I just feel those are labels which are part of the sexual world and not relevant to me. Some asexuals feel differently, of course, which is fine by me! There's room for all our differing opinions, and we need only accept the labels that we choose for ourselves, if we choose any.