Some people don't get asexuality and will persist in telling you that you'll "get over it" when you "meet the right person" or that you must be repressed, or whatever. This is highly annoying, but I've come to realise that it doesn't apply purely to asexuality and so perhaps shouldn't be taken too personally. There are some people who are just unable to grasp that we're all different in our tastes and preferences, and this can apply to all sorts of things.

For example, not so long ago I had an argument with a colleague who is a fanatical runner. He thinks that running is just the most enjoyable thing ever and completely fails to grasp the concept that other people might not like it. He firmly believes that if you just keep trying it, you're bound to find the joy in it and become as addicted as he is. No matter how much I tried to tell him that some people - including me - just don't enjoy running and see it as something close to torture, he couldn't accept it and kept arguing with me. Other people will do the same with their own interests, insisting that you MUST like a particular genre of film, or that if you only gave such-and-such an author a proper try, you would be bound to fall in love with them. Personally, it never occurs to me to assume that everyone will like the same things as me. I love writing penpal letters, visiting old graveyards and reading Charles Dickens, but I don't evangelise about it, or assume people are deluded if they don't share my enthusiasm. However it seems some people find it hard to step outside their own heads and appreciate that others might have entirely different - yet still valid - opinions and interests.

When it comes to sex and relationships, the liking and desiring of these no doubt seems so universal that it's even harder for people to get a grip on the idea that there are those who aren't interested. The "I feel this way so you must too" brigade cannot conceive of people who aren't driven by the same desires they are. And so they will try to find explanations that might account for why you DO actually feel the same way as they do, but just haven't realised it yet...

"You just haven't met the right person yet"

(Which often translates as - "You just hadn't met me until now"). This is perhaps harder to argue with if you're a teenager (even though you may indeed be asexual), because some people do come to love and sex a little later in life. I do think that most sexual people experience sexual desire and attraction fairly early on, but there may be some exceptions. But it does make me raise my eyebrows when I hear it directed at a 30-something like me. There are, for sure, people in their 30s who haven't met the right person to settle down with but how many of them, I would ask, have never even felt sexual or romantic desire for a single person in all that time? How many waited until they met the perfect Mr or Miss Right before they felt a stirring of their libido? I'm not someone who likes to say "I will never" because I've been known to say it and then do the thing I was never going to do, sometimes almost immediately. But I do think that, at the age of 32, having never been remotely interested in entering into a romantic relationship with anyone or feeling the desire to jump into bed with even the most attractive person, I can fairly say that it's very unlikely I'm going to develop the urge now. And I would like to be able to say it without the other person raising an eyebrow and giving me a "knowing" look.

"You just have a fear of intimacy"

I'm not even entirely sure what that means. I suppose it depends how you define "intimacy". Do I have a fear of sexual intimacy? Well, yes, in the same way that I have a fear of public speaking - it's something that I don't enjoy and find unpleasant and potentially embarrassing. It's fairly natural to feel uncomfortable with the idea of doing something you don't enjoy. Do I have a fear of emotional intimacy? I think that I just don't have much of a desire for it, or at least not a desire to share my emotional self with just one special person. I do talk about my feelings to friends and family when I need to, but I don't feel the need all that often. Maybe that's part of what being aromantic is about, although I'm sure some aromantic people have best friends who they share everything with. Emotional intimacy isn't something that has to be shared with a significant other... sexual intimacy isn't something you're likely to want if you don't already want sex. So, I'm not sure this argument has any relevance.

"Maybe you're actually gay and haven't realised it yet"

If I was a lesbian, I'm pretty sure I would notice. Yes, I know, there are people who only come to realise they're gay when they're older. Or at least, only come to acknowledge it. It seems to me it would be hard not to notice that you're attracted to your own gender, but I appreciate I have no special insight into the matter. I do know that I've always had an open mind on the subject and that there are no reasons why I shouldn't sleep with women if I wanted to - my family and friends would have no problem with it and neither would I. Before I discovered I was asexual, I thought of myself as "95% heterosexual", because I mainly find men attractive (in the sense of developing crushes on TV characters, for example) but I find women aesthetically attractive and never completely ruled out having a woman as a partner. I still don't; if I was to enter into a long-term non-sexual companionship with someone - which is the maximum I can ever imagine wanting - it could quite easily be with a woman. So, I've considered my options. And I can say with some certainty I'm not sexually attracted to women. If I was, I'm pretty sure I would be the first person to notice and wouldn't require to have it pointed out to me by a well-meaning acquaintance.

More of the common arguments made against asexuality and my responses to them in my next post...